Xanga Septembet 02, 2004

Been reflecting on the past of late which is usually not a good thing, especially in my case. And while I was originally in "denial" about what brought on this reflective mood I'm in, it wasnt hard to eventually figure out what it is. You see, this past Saturday I went out on a date, yeah a date....NOT with Teresa, but instead some chick I'd been talking to for like a week. This was the first time I'd been on an actual date since i last hung out with Meredith, and man was this a mistake.
Truth is, while I cant say that I HATE dating, I'm not a big fan of it either. I mean, most of the time all u do is shell out $$$ for chicks you dont know well who you either end up liking and they dont like you or they like you, but you dont like them or perhaps, you BOTH dont like each other which can be rare but still happens. And for what? Who meets Ms. Right or Mr. Right from a date anyway? A lot of times it just seems like most people who end up REALLY being together either meet by chance or meet thru friends. So dating it turns out just exposes yourself as "LOOKING" and who likes to feel that way all the time? I know I dont. But when you're too afraid of talking to that cute chick you see on the train (becuse u either have no GAME like I do or you're just too afraid of getting rejected) and u hate meeting people thru friends (because either the friend or someone else you know has already been with the chick they're introducing you too--I mean, who likes "sloppy seconds"???), what other options do u have?
Well back to the date....Jislin ia a 30yo, Black!!! bisexual chick who hadnt been with a dude in like 8 years (she's one of those "I dont look at gender" bi's who last 4 relationships just happened to be with women). Needless to say, all she had to say was "I'm bi" and I was interested.....despite her flakiness, despite the fact that when she described herself I felt a "warning sign" that she wouldnt be my type and despite the fact that we really didnt much in common.
So the plan was to meet up at the Children's Museum in Manhattan, go out to eat, walk around the city and see a movie later on. But getting dressed up and having to take 3 trains to get to the museum made me late and it pretty much went downhill from there. When I called to tell her I was aabout 15 minutes late, she told me that she'd already "given up" on me, but that we could still meet up for dinner at this Japanese restaurant uptown she likes. I could tell she was a little pissed on the phone, but figured "what the heck???" and just met her up at the restaurant. I got there a minute before she did and right away I could tell it wasnt gonna happen as soon as I saw walking up. For starters she wasnt playing when she said she was SHORT (about 5 feet even), and sure she looked kinda cute with her bald head, glasses and summer dress, but she wasnt really MY kind of cute and she looked more like 4-8 or 4-9 then 5 even....I mean she was really DOWN there (my being 6-2 probably didnt help matters)!
So anyway. we ordered, ate and had a decent time. I ordered a Long Island Ice Tea to zone her out a bit as she was boring me with her tales of wanting to leave NY and how "cultured" she was and I (apparently) wasnt. Gotta admit, this girl has NO problem expressing her opinion. And about 45 minutes into the date, she told me that since I was late, she'd already made plans to get drunk and hang out with some friends that night. I was a bit surprised, but took it like "whatever". We sat and talked for another 15 and that was pretty much it as we stepped outside, hugged and went our seperate ways. But I was still in the mood to hang out and lucky for me, I knew Shireen was home so I called her up to see if she wanted to see a movie, Suspect Zero and she came up and we wasted $10 apiece and what was a really bad flick (should've paid attention to the reviews). And that was that....ended up spending like $60 bucks for the day (dinner with Jislin, the Chappelle Show DVD I bought at Circuit City while waiting on Shireen and the stupid movie we saw afterwards) that I could use right now.
So all that brings me back to WHY I've been reflecting on the past and the truth is, this dumb date I went on just reminded me about how much I miss being in a relationship. And how until you're in one, there just seems to be this "void" there. I dont like the void. Actually I'm getting a little tired of the void and I'm ready to kick it the curb. It'd be so nice to just be able to jump into a relationship, but unfortunately that's not how it works. That's why I sometimes envy couples that I see together who look so happy just being with each other. But I'm not trying to hate, I just miss people looking at ME that way.....I wanna go back to that. It's too bad that you usually have to "date" first in order to get there.