Wednesday, September 8, 2004

Imani & Deidra's B-day

Imani looked at my press clips and liked them so much that she wants me to be Music Editor for her publication. She and her partner want to sit down with me sometime soon to discuss more details. Normally I'd be a little excited, but since this is a new venture I might be partaking in, I'm taking a "wait-and-see" approach.

This morning I saw my ex-girlfriend Lisa online and IM'd her hi. We chatted briefly and I came to find out that she has a new boyfriend and is still trying to go back to school. Me and Lisa went out last year for about 5 months and if it wasnt for all her "baby-daddy" drama, her admitting to "not knowing how to be a girlfriend" (hey, hard to knock honesty) and a crazy episode involving us at an amusement park.....who knows what might've happened. After the incident at the park, I broke things off and for a month Lisa, literally....went BALLISTIC!!!, calling me everyday, writing me crazy e-mails, threatening to kill herself (I swear I cant make this stuff up!) and trying to do everything possible to get back together, but I wasnt having it and once she used the 'N' word a couple of times (in her e-mails) I knew there'd be no turning back. But none of that meant that I had stopped caring about her. After all, Lisa isn't totally bad and a LOT of her problems really had to do with her crazy fam (mostly her dad) and like I said before, all the drama involving a "sperm donor" who refuses to acknowledge his daughters existence even when he's in the same room as her. But Lisa is a GREAT mom who loves her daughter more then herself, she can also make u laugh and when she wants to be, she can be very caring.

So I've tried to stay friends with her but that hasnt been easy. After she finally stopped harassing me last year (she wasnt happy to find out some 3 months later that I was semi-involved with someone else), she's been pretty reluctant to remain friends, much less acquaintnces. I did find out back in February that she managed to move out, get her own place and is now working 50 hours a week at Walmart. She gave me her new number but i never called.....just never had any desire to. And now, some months later since we last chatted, she's with a new dude. Such is life I guess.....I just hope she stays alright.

This past Sunday was Deidra's 26th brithday. I gave her a call and congratulated her on everything she's accomplished in life and what an "old lady" she is now. She was taking a nap when I called and told me that she had already went out and celebrated with a couple of friends the night before. She did say that she and her on-again, off-again boyfriend of 5 years, Joe, might be going out later on that night. She starts her new job this week and already "celebrated" her new position and raise by re-installing her cable. Next month it'll be off to the Bahamas.....gotta admit to being just-a-little-bit envious of the Bahamas trip. Of course, I wont tell her that.


Monday, September 6, 2004

Xanga Septembet 06, 2004

Recent events inspired me to write this poem:
a face with grace
comes with it a loving attraction

that tends to embrace

But as you feel, there is no appeal
a mask becomes an idol

hero worship
a mystifying spirit to circumspect.    

and for the lovers, the true missionaries
they walk on eggshells seeking love and light

ignoring luxuries

choosing to observe flowers, moon, spring and rain

nurturing their instinct for beauty's gain

without trust to depend on for long

they continue onward

Upon the human wisdom, mortal and wrong.    

With a delicate touch of purity and innocence

enjoying God's vision in a spiritual sense.
almost like the essence of humanity

Is its quality woven in sincerity
So earth has gold Hidden deep fold in fold.

for Love and lust are the east and west

A dire difference lies like best and worst
The love is your friend, the lust is hostile
Lust not prosper while love is fertile

Saturday, September 4, 2004

Xanga Septembet 04, 2004

Teresa is officially moving on Thursday and she's doing plenty of yapping about me coming to see her in 2 weeks. She signed her lease on Friday and her dad is gonna help her move come the 9th. She's moving into a 2 bedroom that she describes as really "nice" with plenty of "space". She wants to know why I haven't bought my ticket yet and said that I "better not" back out on her at the last minute. I didnt really have much to say about all of this because she brings it up enough and I'm tired of repeating my familiar mantra of, "If I change my mind you'll be the FIRST to know." I swear it just goes in one ear and out the other with her.
We had a(nother) riff about that today as well as some other minor stuff that I dont wanna waste any space here getting thing I will say tho is that I've noticed that its a little competition thing with her and her daughter. What I mean is that if I ask about her daughter (she left a message the other day that BOTH her and Alexis were going to the hospital for different reasons) she seems to not wanna get into it much and then almost always starts asking me why I'm not asking about her or why I'm not giving her the same amount of attention. Hmmm......I dont know how much stock I should put into that, but I'd be lying if I said that I'm not thinking about it.
I'm leaving VVA right after I get my Xmas bonus at the end of this year. Frankly speaking, it's way past time for me to go and I need to get me a fulltime job. Of course, I've long known this and this was supposed to happen last year when I left The Shield for good, but some minor nuisances came in the way and there I still am. Plus too, the "vibe" at VVA has changed to the point where I dont feel all that "comfy" there anymore. Some people have left that I used to like and some people have come in that I really dont like.....but thats really all nitpicking. I mean the problem isnt VVA, the problem (as usual) is ME. Its just time for me to go and more importantly its time for me to have some consistent loot....I'm tired of reaching for nothing but LINT in my pockets and wondering what the hell happened to my money. I'm BROKE all the time because I dont make no money, not because I'm some spendthrift. And not having loot is starting to catch up on me too...the other day I had on my favorite grey Nike Presto's and started to feel some "air" coming in where there shouldn't be ANY air coming in! Needless to say I had to toss those bad boys out really quick! Now I'm down to only 5 pair of does a brotha do it? Plus too, I've been reaching into some loot I'm supposed to be using to pay off an old Hunter College bill and thats not good. And knowing me that wont be the last time I put my hand in the "cookie jar". But I dont wanna have to open up another safety deposit box.....bottom line is that I gotta learn to resist temptation and make do with what I got till I do something about it.
Imani called me back on Thursday, but I wasnt at work yet and by the time I got there (I was only late about a half-an-hour), there was actually some things I needed to finish up doing so I didnt get a chance to call her back. She wrote me an e-mail later that night saying that she wants me to write for her so I'll call her back on Tuesday when I get back to work. I just hope that whatever plans she has for me is not gonna make me regret getting back into the game. I also hope it'll spark my writing in a consistent basis so hopefully I can really make some moves and better yet, make a little extra $$$ on the side before the year is over.
Can you believe that the summer is almost over already???
And not to get sentimental here, but I gotta say too that my thoughts and prayers are with the families of those who lost loved ones in that hostage situation at that school in Russia. When terrorists take the lives of innocent children like that it only makes an already scary world we live in even more scarier.

Thursday, September 2, 2004

Xanga Septembet 02, 2004

Been reflecting on the past of late which is usually not a good thing, especially in my case. And while I was originally in "denial" about what brought on this reflective mood I'm in, it wasnt hard to eventually figure out what it is. You see, this past Saturday I went out on a date, yeah a date....NOT with Teresa, but instead some chick I'd been talking to for like a week. This was the first time I'd been on an actual date since i last hung out with Meredith, and man was this a mistake.
Truth is, while I cant say that I HATE dating, I'm not a big fan of it either. I mean, most of the time all u do is shell out $$$ for chicks you dont know well who you either end up liking and they dont like you or they like you, but you dont like them or perhaps, you BOTH dont like each other which can be rare but still happens. And for what? Who meets Ms. Right or Mr. Right from a date anyway? A lot of times it just seems like most people who end up REALLY being together either meet by chance or meet thru friends. So dating it turns out just exposes yourself as "LOOKING" and who likes to feel that way all the time? I know I dont. But when you're too afraid of talking to that cute chick you see on the train (becuse u either have no GAME like I do or you're just too afraid of getting rejected) and u hate meeting people thru friends (because either the friend or someone else you know has already been with the chick they're introducing you too--I mean, who likes "sloppy seconds"???), what other options do u have?
Well back to the date....Jislin ia a 30yo, Black!!! bisexual chick who hadnt been with a dude in like 8 years (she's one of those "I dont look at gender" bi's who last 4 relationships just happened to be with women). Needless to say, all she had to say was "I'm bi" and I was interested.....despite her flakiness, despite the fact that when she described herself I felt a "warning sign" that she wouldnt be my type and despite the fact that we really didnt much in common.
So the plan was to meet up at the Children's Museum in Manhattan, go out to eat, walk around the city and see a movie later on. But getting dressed up and having to take 3 trains to get to the museum made me late and it pretty much went downhill from there. When I called to tell her I was aabout 15 minutes late, she told me that she'd already "given up" on me, but that we could still meet up for dinner at this Japanese restaurant uptown she likes. I could tell she was a little pissed on the phone, but figured "what the heck???" and just met her up at the restaurant. I got there a minute before she did and right away I could tell it wasnt gonna happen as soon as I saw walking up. For starters she wasnt playing when she said she was SHORT (about 5 feet even), and sure she looked kinda cute with her bald head, glasses and summer dress, but she wasnt really MY kind of cute and she looked more like 4-8 or 4-9 then 5 even....I mean she was really DOWN there (my being 6-2 probably didnt help matters)!
So anyway. we ordered, ate and had a decent time. I ordered a Long Island Ice Tea to zone her out a bit as she was boring me with her tales of wanting to leave NY and how "cultured" she was and I (apparently) wasnt. Gotta admit, this girl has NO problem expressing her opinion. And about 45 minutes into the date, she told me that since I was late, she'd already made plans to get drunk and hang out with some friends that night. I was a bit surprised, but took it like "whatever". We sat and talked for another 15 and that was pretty much it as we stepped outside, hugged and went our seperate ways. But I was still in the mood to hang out and lucky for me, I knew Shireen was home so I called her up to see if she wanted to see a movie, Suspect Zero and she came up and we wasted $10 apiece and what was a really bad flick (should've paid attention to the reviews). And that was that....ended up spending like $60 bucks for the day (dinner with Jislin, the Chappelle Show DVD I bought at Circuit City while waiting on Shireen and the stupid movie we saw afterwards) that I could use right now.
So all that brings me back to WHY I've been reflecting on the past and the truth is, this dumb date I went on just reminded me about how much I miss being in a relationship. And how until you're in one, there just seems to be this "void" there. I dont like the void. Actually I'm getting a little tired of the void and I'm ready to kick it the curb. It'd be so nice to just be able to jump into a relationship, but unfortunately that's not how it works. That's why I sometimes envy couples that I see together who look so happy just being with each other. But I'm not trying to hate, I just miss people looking at ME that way.....I wanna go back to that. It's too bad that you usually have to "date" first in order to get there.